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Me: 10, Devil:1
Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005, 3:20 a.m.
I wanted to share this in the Christian Fellowships's blog, but I kinda forgot the password :D Avelyn!! SMS me the password again :D Anyway, I'm writing this in the middle of the night cos it's just too hot... Woke up in the middle of the night cos my sis turned the fan away from me to blow her. I turned the fan to me, then she woke up after I fell back asleep, and she turned the fan again. Basically, the cycle went on until I gave up and came to the study to sleep under the fan... *fan fan fan*
Anyway, back to my entry...
I think many people have come up to me in the past week or so asking if I'm feeling very stressed up recently, and when it happens so often, and I think I have to start to notice as well. The fact is, I haven't been feeling stressed up all the time, but this week, I get stressed up easily. Short bursts of them. It's quite annoying. And I know just where it came from... who else but our enemy... the devil... They said that the stronger your faith is, the more it will try to attack, which I feel is the stupid part, cos that will make us stronger by faith. Ah well, can't blame him, he's the devil after all. My pastor once said that the devil's always playing catch up, so everytime he attacks it means something good has happened before that.
I realised that I've been attacked quite a few times, and that's what's been stressing me up. I know cos it's always the same thing. Voices in the head telling me about how bad things are when they're not. What voice in the head, you ask? THAT voice in the head. :P Anyway, I think one of the worse incidents this week was on tuesday morning during computing. Our teacher was obviously quite disappointed that the whole class (population 5) didn't do the tutorial. He made us give him a reason one by one. As the rest of the students were giving an excuse, I looked at the question paper and then the devil started filling thoughts in my mind again. Memories of lectures, how lost I am in those lectures, how I should be strong in it cos I love computers, yet how weak I seem to be at it, how I don't understand anything in that tutorial, that by the time it got to my turn, I just looked at the teacher and said "because I'm scared, sir... because I'm afraid of the questions..." And then I broke down in tears... literally... I was crying. I never cried for years, but at that moment, I was crying. It freaked my classmates out, it freaked the lecturer out, but worse, it freaked ME out. I started blabbering about how I don't understand anything, and how I was supposed to, how I'm now afraid of the subject, bla bla bla... Well, on the bright side, he stopped asking the rest of the class, and stopped scolding us, and he tried to cheer me up by recapping what we have learnt, and he kinda proved that I do know a lot, and that by the end of the lecture, I felt better cos he showed me I knew a lot after all! But that incident still affected me... But the Lord wouldn't let me go just like that. For one, my darling cheered me up a lot. She always does. And that just makes me love her more :D As I went to the western stall after that lesson (i didn't feel like going there initially, but for some reason I just did...) and then they had this bible verse that day that shocked me (they change the verse everyday). That day's verse was from 2 timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." That verse just spoke to me at that moment. It told me that I shouldn't be afraid. It was as if God just spoke to me "Don't be afraid". My day just changed completely after that, and everything was well again.
Then the devil found my weakness two days ago. The night before, he made me have this terrible nightmare. In that nightmare, I lost her. It was a very scary dream. I dreamt that she left me. The next morning, I kept telling myself that it won't happen, and I know it won't, for some reason I knew. But it tried to haunt me. Of course, God wasn't just gonne stand there and watch me suffer. He strengthened that love that day. For some reason, everytime I spoke to her, everytime I saw her, the thoughts stopped and I was well again. But it'd come back again. The devil even tried to make sure we couldn't meet earlier to try to counter that. It was quite bad. Thank God that it was cross country that day. At least work would put my mind off it. Then the devil moved one more step further. He put thoughts in my head again. My dear and I usually try not to stay too close in school to prevent the school from knowing about our relationship, and sometimes she says stuff to remind me not to stay to close. The devil tried to take advantage of those situations and said stuff like "she doesn't love you anymore" and really mean stuff like that. Then before we left, I tried to put effort to clarify that. She obviously didn't know what was bothering me, and probably was wondering why I was asking silly questions like that all of a sudden. For a moment, I looked like I was about to quarell with her. I don't think she noticed, but I have a feeling the rest of the fellowship had. Thank God we didn't. As we were crossing the road from the cross country site, the thoughts started attacking me worse than ever. I walked infront of her quickly as she was chatting with her friend, and I was literally clenching my teeth and praying, both in the heart and in the spirit. On bus, she noticed something was wrong. As our friend was there, we spoke on her phone. She'd write a message, pass it to me, then I'd reply it and pass it back. I told her about the thoughts and how it was bothering me and told her how I needed her badly then. She gave me a concerned look, and took my hand. I'll never forget that moment. The thoughts stopped instantly. THe rest of the trip started to get so much better. We were sitting at the back of the bus, and she held onto my hand and smiled. There's something about her smile. Whenever she smiles, I can't help but smile too. And somehow, I knew somewhere, God was smiling at me. sigh. My daddy God is so awesome He sent me an angel.
Sorry, kinda side tracked a bit after starting to talk about her. :D Anyway, here's the important part of this message. One of the reasons why I recovered and got myself out of these situations is because I knew that those were from the devil and weren't true. As the way Kenneth Hagin Jr said last Sunday, "It doesn't matter what you hear, see, taste, smell, or feel, all that matters is what God says. It doesn't matter what anyone says, not even what you say (your thoughts), what matters is what God says. And he says he's given you a bright future!" That was from Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Never determine your future by what you see around you. Or even what you see in you or your thoughts for that matter. I remembered how I had this friend once, whose ex-girlfriend once told me she had a nightmare like mine. She told me that she's afraid cos her dreams usually come true. In the end, she really broke up with her boyfriend. Well, the only reason why it really happened was because she believed it would happen and let it happen. Don't let your surroundings determine your future. Your future is bright. Period. How do I know? God said so! Where? Let's take a look again: Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.". He wants to protect you! Not just that, he wants to PROSPER you. He's got a plan for you. Now, all you've got to do is let go and let Him work His plan. Just remember, don't let your circumstances depict your future. It doesn't matter what's happening around you. All that matters is what God has planned for you. And what He's planned is bright. So don't worry and believe in that!! I know I do. Although I still get attacked quite often these days, I don't really worry that much because I know He's protecting me. Hallelujah.
"Cause I know my God saved the day
and I know His word never fails
and I know my God made the way for me...
Salvation is here..." - "Savation is here" from Hillsong United's Look to You
So go out there and live that bright future God has laid for you!! Hallelujah!!
Now I shall try and go to sleep in this hot weather :P To my darling angel: I love you. :)
- Daniel
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