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Love. Or lack thereof.
Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005, 10:51 a.m.
I love my life. That's a fact. But as much as good things happen all the time, I'm still the same as anyone else, and I have my share problems too.
I always believed in Love. Whether love in a relationship, love for my friends, love for the things around me, love for my job, love for God, or love for my family. I always believed in its power to change lives and make good things happen. And I can confidently say that I have all of them. All but love from my family. Pastor Prince was right, if you care too much, your love for your children backfires. As a child, I know it's backfiring. I feel deprived of love from my mom and grandparents. I haven't recieved a hug from my mom since at least when I was ten. Dad always shows his love with his words or actions, but he's always in Malaysia. I don't blame him, but I cannot deny that I miss him and his love. And my grandparents? Their life of fear can get on my nerves some times. And grandma's rigid mind when it comes to using the PC makes me reluctant to help her at the PC too. Kinda reminds me of the song "where is the love?". Maybe it's because they say noone can be perfect, noone can have it all. I don't know...
Yesterday I felt one of the most powerful form of love in the list I mentioned earlier. No, it's not God's love, noone can compare to His love. His love will always be the most powerful. But that love I finally felt was powerful too, and I just felt so lucky, so happy. A feeling I can't describe. But it was good. I went home yesterday feeling happier than ever this year. Then mom took it all away. "Where have you been the whole day? Grandma thinks you don't want to be at home. We hardly see you anymore." It's always like that. It's either "where have you been?" or "Your room is in a mess." or "Why didn't you do this or that before you left the house" or "Hurry up and help with setting up the table. I'm not a maid you know?" You know, maybe grandma's right. Maybe I don't want to come home. Maybe if it wasn't for my PC, my belongings, and (i can't believe i'm about to say this) my sister, and once in awhile, my dad, I really wish I could just sleep over in school or something. If Innova had a hostel, and if I could live there (despite the fact that it's only 5 minutes from home), I'd feel so lucky. I mean, is it really that hard to smile? To ask "How's your day?" like dad always does? Seriously... Sigh. My mom is the only one who spoils my mood all the time. And I can't believe it's her. Once my mom said "if I hadn't pushed you or nagged at you in the past, you wouldn't be where you are today." Yea, you're right, I wouldn't. I'd be so much more.
Oh God, help me. Help my mom. Help her see your glory Lord. Amen.
"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" - John 14:27
Shalom.
- Daniel
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